Yes, it’s generally good to try and talk about yourself a bit. Otherwise you can come off as aloof or “withholding” around people who don’t know you well.

In order to get some practice talking about yourself, each morning or evening try to think of one or two little anecdotes or little events that happened to you during the last 24 hours, and try to slip them into conversations throughout the day. Just keep repeating the same one or two little stories to each new acquaintance that you run into. The stories don’t have to be interesting or special or meaningful at all. Mainly, you just want to get into the habit of giving people little “windows” into your daily life.

For example, if someone greets you and says, “Hey, how are you doing,” you should have a quick little story prepared to tell them: “Pretty good. Work was slow, so my boss let me off early. I used the extra free time to relax and watch some television.” Or: “Not bad. It was rainy today, so I couldn’t go bike riding as usual. I could use a little exercise, so I’m planning to head over to the mall just to walk around and stretch my legs.” Or: “Not bad. I have a test in one of my classes later, but I should do okay on it. How about you?”

It may sound silly, but that’s pretty much how “small talk” works. People just touch base with each other by providing little “windows” into their lives. The “windows” allow everyone to get a peek at each other’s lives and provide reassurance that we all have the same little things in common. The more boring and silly the story, the better it is for small talk. You shouldn’t go into deep or heavy or private subjects when doing small talk. That’s why INFPs tend to have trouble with small talk: INFPs want to talk about heavy, deep things; but in reality they should take a few minutes each day and prepare some light easy fodder for social chatter. And it should be about themselves and their daily lives--to provide those little “windows” to allow others to peer in.

Same thing once you get into a relationship. You can’t always talk about heavy and deep things with your partner--you’ll drive each other nuts that way. So in order to fill the conversational dead spaces in a relationship, you should try to get in the habit of chatting a bit about the day’s events--who you saw, how your classes went, whether you were busy at work, what television shows you watched, any interesting news or gossip, etc.

As you get some practice with small talk, other things will fall into place. Your comfort level with revealing yourself should increase over time.

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If you and the woman have been staring at each other across the room, then you can approach and start off with a "line." But if you haven't been exchanging steamy glances or if a "line" isn't appropriate for other reasons or you don't have the confidence for a "line" anyway, then the usual, generic "small talk" rules apply.

There are lots of books on how to do "small talk." I like "The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk: How to Talk to Anyone Anytime Anywhere About Anything," by Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D. It's a short book that you can read in an hour, and it offers a simplified breakdown of small-talk techniques. Another popular book is "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner; it's longer and presents explanations and examples in more depth.

According to the first book("The Pocket Guide"), here are the accepted rules for beginning conversation:

I) First, start with "setting talk" (i.e., conversation about the immediate environment or setting). The purpose is simply to signal interest in conversing. You start by talking about the immediate setting to show that you're "in the moment" and relaxed. You want to keep "setting talk" to a minimum, because it's too superficial for an extended conversation. According to Carducci, the following four approaches are normal and acceptable for "setting talk":

a. Compliment: (Examples, depending on the setting and circumstances:) Nice tie; You made a good point earlier; I've heard good things about you
b. Question: (Examples:) Who do you know here? How do you know the host? What have you heard about the speaker? Where did you get that pamphlet? How long have you been coming here? Can you believe this headline? What did you think of the performance? What do you recommend that I order?
c. Extend a courtesy: Do you need directions/help with that? Do you need me to clear my stuff off this chair so you can sit down? Can I help you move that table?
d. State the obvious: This line is long; the speaker was knowledgeable; the store is crowded today; that billboard makes me laugh.

If the "setting talk" leads directly into a longer conversation, then fine. But otherwise, at the first pause, move to the next step.

II) The Introduction. This is the start of exchange of personal data. Provide your name plus a little about yourself (to anticipate the question "What do you do?") Example: "By the way, my name is FineLine and I'm a translator. I work downtown at .... Company." When your partner provides her name and work, start by repeating her name as a memory aid: "Glad to meet you, Barbara."

At this point, you can start a conversation by asking follow-up questions on her name or work (or start up a little flattery: "That's a very pretty name...")

Examples:

Name: Ask about ethnicity; say you have a friend with same name
Work: Where work, what job, what education required? Is your business affected by the economic slowdown?

III) The next step is to probe for topics of interest for further conversation. Mostly, this is just the use of questions to discover points of commonality or mutual interest. The rules are that you want to ask semi-personal questions. The idea is to pry info out of your partner, so you should avoid superficial questions; you should ask questions requiring more than a Yes/No answer.

In addition to follow-up questions about her name and work, the following represent typical inquiries:

Weather/Traffic: “Boy is it hot/cold/rainy outside; what do you think of this weather?” "How was your trip here?"
Residence: What part of the city do you live in, do you rent or own? Is your neighborhood showing signs of the economic slowdown?
Background: Where come from originally/grew up? Favorite places to live? Get back there much?
Entertainment: What movies watched, what TV shows, what books, plans for weekend, what other favorite activities
Sports, exercise: Working out habits

In addition, it's good to look for visual cues for conversation. If she's wearing vintage jewelry, you can compliment her on her taste and ask her if that's a favorite style of hers. If she looks like she is wearing work clothes, you can ask if she came directly from work or if she works or lives locally. Also, look at her body language for cues as to her interest in certain subjects or in the conversation in general.

Also, you can offer anecdotes about your own day or life and then ask, "What do you think of that?" or "Has anything like that happened to you?"

Generally speaking, if your partner offers info about herself, then you should offer similar info about yourself back. Or if you relate an anecdote about yourself or offer an opinion, then you should prompt her to offer an anecdote or opinion in return (hence, prompts like "Has anything like that happened to you?" or "...and you?"). Again, the idea at this stage is to bring the conversation to a semi-personal level and exchange information. Information will provide cues for the other person to continue the conversation, so you want to maximize the flow of information in both directions.

In other words, don't just sit there and ask a million questions; instead, when your partner provides information or anecdotes, then do the same--IOW talk about yourself a bit. Conversely, don't do all the talking; make sure to ask questions based on cues and give your partner every opportunity to talk about herself so that you can relate the conversation to her and her interests.

Aim for a 50/50 exchange of information and personal data.

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I'll stop there, since the question was just about starting a conversation.

But FWIW Carducci's book offers much more. For example, the next section is about what to do when you find a topic of mutual interest and how to develop the subject: How to keep the conversation going, what to do with pauses, how and when to transit to new subjects or tangents, etc.

Carducci's book also has sections on small-talk courtesies, terminating conversations, doing small talk in special circumstances (parties, first dates, at work, when networking, with foreigners, etc.), and so on. And of course there are sample conversations broken down to show how they work.

Also, on the subject of flirting and flattery, you can check out the following thread on flirting: http://infp.globalchatter.com/messagebo ... hp?t=12827 Assuming the small talk is going well and both parties seem interested, then you can include some compliments, steer the conversation in a more personal direction, etc.

Sojourn wrote:
The most effective tool lies within us and we don't even know it. Extraverted INtuition. Turn off you self-conscious self for a while and let Ne guide the conversation... women love cleverness, and no one can match us on it. If performed correctly, it makes for an irresistably entertaining flirtation device.


Quite true. Once we get past the awkwardness of the "setting talk" and introduction, Ne can be a big asset.

There are also a couple negatives to Ne. For example, you should avoid giving an overview response (IOW, don't philosophize, don't shrug and say, "I guess the bad economy is to blame"). The idea of small talk is to provide cues, prompts and leads for further conversation. So personalize the subject by relating it to your life, i.e., by telling an anecdote about how the subject affected you personally.

By the same token, don't "pronounce" a verdict (i.e., don't shrug and say, "Who cares what Republicans say. They suck anyway.") Don't cut off the conversation with a terse statement. Respond in full. Elaborate on what your partner said.

In general, provide "windows" into your life (relate a personal experience or opinion that reveals something about you) so your partner has cues for more conversation and gets to know more about you than just your political views. So try to keep the talk focused on the personal level, as opposed to getting into overviews, philosophy, "pronouncements," rants, etc.

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That's just the "setting talk." It's pretty simple. Just try out each of the suggested approaches or statements in front of a mirror. Then try them at a bus stop or in a line at the movies or with a cashier at a store. Keep in mind that 50 percent of the time or more you're going to run into an extravert who will probably be delighted to chat a little.

If your partner won't contribute right away, don't worry about rejection until the third stage ("Probe for topics"). The first two stages ("Setting talk" and "Introduction") are pretty much autopilot. You can't really tell how you're being received until the third stage, when your partner simply won't give you anything to work with if she doesn't want to talk to you. And at that point, don't take it personally. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk to anyone; maybe she is having a bad day, maybe she is excruciatingly shy.

In any case, try out a little light conversation with strangers at a bus stop or while shopping in a store. Most people won't begrudge you five minutes of social chatter. And the practice will help those first two stages become "autopilot."

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I remember some time ago when I was a very quiet person...
People would try to have a conversation with me, and I would reply so curtly that the conversation would die instantly. They would run through 5 or 6 topics in about a minute and then sit there wondering what to talk about.

Now a bit older, I find myself in a completely reversed situation with my introverted friends, and wow its pretty difficult to find things to talk about. I apologize, kind extroverts who tried to talk to me, for my former self...

Anyways, conversation starters:

1) PRY into their lives (what do you do?)
2) Observe the surroundings and COMMENT on it (the weather sure is nice today/Nice dress/You look happy today, etc)
3) Say what's on your mind no matter HOW TRIVIAL or deep or random it is. (I had a dream about this panda...)
4) Say something about pop culture, current news, or gossip (Swine flu is going around!)

And don't let the thread die! That's probably the most important. Push it a bit more - comment on the response, recall stories from your past, make jokes, exert your randomness and creativity and you won't have to go back to asking "how's the weather?".
_________________

On the general subject of making friends at college:

Well, one thing to remember is that your friend situation will change from one semester or school year to the next. Changes of room assignments, roommates, classes, leisure pursuits, etc. will result in big changes to your social situation and social status. So if you're having a bad semester/year, don't consider it the end of the world or an indictment of the college or the entire student body. One or two small changes next semester, and you may find yourself loaded down with so many friends and social activities that you end up actively trying to find "alone time."

If you're having a bad semester/year right now, maybe the following advice will help.

I was in the military for seven years (including a tour of duty at age 18-22), and during much of that time I travelled a lot on short assignments (lasting 2-6 months) to multiple military bases or field units or on ships around the Pacific and Europe. I was pretty heavily introverted, especially in the earlier years, and I found that at some bases or assignments it was easy to make friends while at others I remained largely alone.

Across time, it became apparent why it was easier for me to make friends in some environments than others:

At some of the assignments I lived in communal living arrangements (like a giant family living in a single giant hallway or room) with no private rooms or private space: living in open squadbays at the military bases or in open decks on ships or in group camping arrangements in the field units. I was around people 24/7 with little or no private space of my own. As much as I missed the privacy, at least it was easy to have lots of friends and an active social life. For example, if we were on ships or in the field, there was always a poker game going; if I was in a squadbay, people with cars were looking for someone to go into town with them and get a pizza or have a couple beers. There was a communal TV room where people were always watching sports or the news, and late at night it was easy to join a group of people sitting up late and talking about life back home.

By contrast, at other assignments I was quartered in living arrangements with more privacy--dormitory-like arrangements with private rooms or with a single roommate--or I worked on a watch schedule that isolated me from other people. As much as I enjoyed the privacy, sometimes I got pretty lonely. I might be around one or two other people a lot (a roommate, or one or two other people on the same watch schedule with me), but over time we often grated on each other in the forced companionship and we ended up seeking our own separate space and separate leisure pursuits pretty quickly.

So after a few years of switching back and forth between various living and work arrangements, a couple rules became obvious, especially for making friends when living in a dormitory-like setting.

Here's the big one: If you want to make friends, you have to be around people. Get out of your room and camp out in the communal TV room or cafeteria or Student Union or whatever. Seriously: get out of your room anytime possible. If you have to do some studying or reading, then take your books or laptop and do your reading or studying in the group TV room, where people can interrupt you and engage you in a conversation. If you're bored and have nothing to do, then grab a book and go to the cafeteria and sit down near a group of people playing a card game or a board game or just having a conversation and do your reading there; when one of the party leaves, maybe they'll invite you to fill in the open spot in the card game or whatever.

Another one: Don't count on your roommate (or people on the same watch schedule) to be your friend. Everyone needs downtime, including extraverts. Roommates get on each other's nerves pretty quickly. Work on setting up some boundaries with your roommate and granting each other some space; and when you want to do some socializing, get out of your room and do it with people other than your roommate. You and your roommate will just end up getting sick of each other if you act needy and expect your roommate to entertain you whenever you were bored. The best way to become good friends with your roommate is to set up good boundaries, give each other lots of space, and do most of your socializing with people other than your roommate--it shows respect and discretion on your part.

Another one: Friendship is a numbers game, so don't be discriminating (at first) in your choice of friends. Give everyone and anyone at least one chance. Sit around in the common room (TV room or whatever) and accept all offers. If someone with a car is looking for someone with money to go into town for pizza, then go with them. If someone wants to go for a jog and is looking for a running companion, then go with them. If a poker game needs a fourth player, then volunteer. If you get an invite to go into town and drink a few beers, then go with them; if you don't drink, then offer to be their designated driver. Accept invites with everyone at least once, no matter who they are or what their position on the social pecking order. Acceptances are good--it gets you out of your shell and demonstrates to others that you are capable of showing a little interest in others. Meantime, one acceptance doesn't commit you to anything or make you bosom buddies; if the person turns out to be a bore, then you can make your excuses and refuse in the future.

Another one: Find an edge for yourself. If you have a car, then it's easy to become the driver for people without a car looking to get off campus even temporarily. So at dinnertime, go to the common room and offer a trade: announce that you'll drive people into town for pizza if they'll pay for your part of the dinner. Conversely, if you don't have a car but have money, go to the common room and announce that you'll pay for someone's portion of a pizza and beer if they'll drive you into town. Another edge: If there is a regular poker or bridge game happening, then learn to play poker or bridge and make yourself available to jump in when they need a fourth player. If people like watching soaps in the TV room, then start watching the soaps with them so that you can discuss the shows with them afterwards. Another edge: join clubs or groups that give you a common interest with others; and don't just join one or two--hop around among lots of clubs so that you have at least superficial knowledge of lots of different social activities and interests around the campus. Attend one group for a month and then drop it and start attending a new one the next month (keep in mind--you're not trying to be a good group member, you're trying to cast a broad net and sample a large part of the social world).

And so on. I could come up with lots more suggestions, depending on the specific environment. But the broad rule should be clear enough--get yourself out around people.

In a communal living arrangement (where you're around people 24/7, like in an open squadbay), the problem of socializing pretty much takes care of itself. The socializing takes place right around you all hours of the day or night, like a giant family living in a single giant room, and you end up getting sucked into things even when you don't particularly want to be involved.

But in a dormitory situation, there's a tendency to drift back to your room, lock your door and spend time at the computer. At best you only chat with your roommate, and pretty quick you and your roommate are getting on each other's nerves. So resist the temptation to spend time in your room. Pick up whatever you're doing, go down to the common room (TV room, student union, etc.) and do your thing there. Make that initial investment and get used to being around people even during your downtime. Be available to be interrupted and drawn into the things going on around you--conversations, card games, whatever is on TV, a drive into town for pizza and beer, a jog around the campus with a runner, etc.

I know this is all going to sound way too extraverted for most young INFPs. So take baby steps if you must--pick 30 minutes a day and watch a popular show in the common TV room with a crowd of others; sit off to the side and just get used to the "feel" of being around people.

The main thing is to realize that you yourself determine how many friends you have. In turn, that's largely determined by how much time you spend around other people (and how interruptible you are and how many acceptances you give out) versus how much time you spend alone in your dorm room with the door closed.

And don't count time spent with your roommate as "time spent around others." Don't depend on your roommate to become your friend--that's like expecting a family member to be your best friend. It's nice if it works out and you actually do become best friends, but frankly it rarely works out that way. It takes strong boundaries and a lot of respect for each other's space for roommates to become good friends, because you two are in a position to drive each other nuts and become worst enemies just as easily as to become best friends.