What I want to know is how your life changed during your twenties. (mid- to late-twenties)

Speaking for myself, I grow more dependant on people. I have a higher need for being social and spend time with others, and to talk and not just listen. It have given me social experience, and nowadays I function on level previously unheard of, socially (for being me at least).

I've heard someone say that during adulthood, introverts turn more extraverted and extroverts turn more introverted. That fit with my story. But then again, I'm intellectually naive and would believe anything as long as doesn't contradict my own experience :p

So twenties and older, how did your life change as times went by?

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Is the cup half-full or half-empty? Neither, the cup is the rightful domain of air,
and water are the imperialistic invader that must be fought by all means neccesary.
Drink it.

I'd say that overall my twenties were a period of self-discovery for me.

My early twenties were spent job-hopping and studying art, neither of which I'd done before so it kinda opened my eyes quite a bit to a lot of stuff. Unfortunately, my mid-twenties were an exceptionally difficult time for me, I just really kind of closed down and became almost a total recluse - no jobs, no studying, no nothing. My late twenties were an improvement though, and where the whole 'self-discovery' thing took off. I stumbled across ways of looking at the world I hadn't known existed, and I think it really made a difference to the way I think about and perceive things, including myself. It was quite the paradigm shift.

But all of that stuff's internal, from the outside you probably wouldn't notice much of a difference (except that I probably seem to have more periods of happiness than during my mid-twenties). I'm still a shy, quiet guy who doesn't talk much unless I really know you and trust you, and I'm still living at home with my folks like I always have been, because I can't afford to move out, but I can't afford to move out 'cos I can't get a job (in fact, I'm probably the least employable I've ever been).

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What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet. - Gerard Manley Hopkins

damn DC, i always thought you were in your late teens/early 20s. sorry >.<

as for me even though technically i am still in my early 20s (24)... i think i have changed a lot since i was a 20 year old (though really its an extension of changes that were already occuring from high school to then). i've become calmer for the most part, and more skilled at dealing with the craziness that strikes from time to time. i wouldn't say that i am more extroverted (actually i think i've finally managed to come to terms with my introversion in a healthy way lol) but i am better at being sociable when i have to be. overall i think i've just become more comfortable with myself, and grown to trust myself more. i think thats pretty common, and i definitely think that could lead to increased extroversion in general... i think the reason i am more introverted than i ever was is just due to being busy.

interesting thread topic... would be curious to hear other perspectives.

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Isn't it pretty to think so?

That's okay, I often feel more like an 'early-twenties year-old' anyway.

FTR, I'm currently 29, but I'll be hitting the big 3-0 in just a few weeks.

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What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet. - Gerard Manley Hopkins

Good topic!

The first few years of my twenties weren't much fun; I was broke, directionless, lacked social connections, etc. I was 24 when I really started trying to live my life, and 26 when I started to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Heh, I'm still broke, directionless, and don't have many friends, but I'm enjoying myself.

Around the age of 24, I started believing that I had the ability to make what I wanted of myself, and I think that's when things started getting better. After that, it was just a matter of deciding what to change, and doing the hard work of changing it. Over the course of the next few years, I:

• Went back to university and studied something I was actually interested in
• Started figuring out how to dress better
• Got more serious about writing and music
• Extricated myself from organised religion
• Stopped being cripplingly shy
• Finally entered the dating pool
• Got a normal job for a while
• Moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone
• Started a serious relationship
• And soon, I'm moving to a new country.

DC, I'm living with my parents at the moment, too.

Belle: Pretty much the same. I'm passable in social situations now, but I need hella alone-time.

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You like music, yes? I made some for you.

Interesting, interesting. I'm just 22, and I hear that the twenties typically involve quite the growing pains. I feel like I've already gone through some pretty tough internal waves since I turned twenty...I faced a lot of anxiety/depression/deep disconnection last year...but have that much more faith in the universe to take care of the problems that may lie ahead, as a result.

Fraser, that's awesome! What country are you moving to?
Also, how did you fare moving to a new city? I am graduating pretty soon and am going to try to move, maybe across the country, in the fall...I wonder how the process treats our kind of people. I hear it sucks in general for a few months, no matter who you are...

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“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi

My spiritual explorations: http://sundrenchedclarity.wordpress.com

Melbourne, Australia; that's where my girlfriend is.


In general, I had a great time - Welllington is a fun town, and I was living (somewhat beyond my means, as it turned out) in a nice apartment with good people.
I was lonely sometimes, but the excitement of being master-of-my-own-destiny outweighed that, for the most part. It probably helped that I was quite happy to go two or three days at a time without talking to another human; someone more extroverted might have found it harder (though, someone more extroverted would probably have gone out and met more people ).

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You like music, yes? I made some for you.

The twenties involve growing pains? Heh, I think growing in general involves growing pains since it would be disrespectful to my teenage self to invalidate all of his struggles with a casual sweep of the proverbial hand. In fact, although intrapersonal growth is constant, I'm actually hugely thankful that my environmental circumstances are far more serene and tranquil than they were then. Though, at the age of 22 I can certainly relate to 'directionless'. I seem to go through brief phases of having that 'master of thine own destiny' impulse and then longer phases of complacent apathy. Hrm. At least my social confidence has grown tenfold in the past five years, to the point I enjoy conversing with complete strangers, though I am still more passive than proactive in that regard. I also feel more comfortable with myself in general and more self-reliant, though I get the impression that being around most high schoolers, particularly guys, is always going to make me feel awkward and on edge, heh.

Though, the urgency of my biological clock may fuel my growing frustration with myself to the extent I feel compelled to act, as since landing on the wrong side of 21 I grow increasingly resentful of the fact that time only flows in one direction and that from where I am standing, 'adulthood' - much like many things in life, is far from the ideal I had envisaged before. Likely because I'm not putting enough effort in, but y'know. It's a steep learning curve when you're used to just receiving and adapting to experiences to suddenly orchestrate everything, but I s'pose it's just another challenge to be met.

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We are beyond our own ability to define ourselves - we can only describe what we think we are.

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i'm at the end of my twenties, and i think about this topic a lot.

i don't think i necessarily became "dependent" on people, i just realized that, even though i'm 100% introverted, i NEED social interaction in order to feel stable and normal. i tried living alone in my early twenties, while also testing out a career that didn't really involve working with people at all. it took a while for me to realize that both things were NOT working for me. living alone made me feel almost paralyzed at times, and the career, although interesting on the surface, was not fulfilling me in the least, esp. because (as i now realize) INFPs need meaningful careers.

since then, i have always and will always live with roommates (unless i find a partner), and i have a great career that involves helping people. the fact that i have these 2 aspects of my lives "figured out" has made me a much more content person...i'd be a mess otherwise.

as i leave my twenties, the things i still don't have figured out are friends and partners. i'd say my friend situation is good, but i feel like i suffer from a "grass is greener" problem...i have great friends, but i really wish i had a solid group of really fun yet down-to-earth people..i haven't had this since high school and i long for it, although most people would be perfectly happy with my social life as it is now. i also tend to be better at holding on to old friends than making new ones, which contributes to this problem. i also tend to be better at supporting friends in crisis, rather than spending time with friends who want to just let loose and have fun, even though i'd rather be in the fun group than the crisis group.

dating is another big problem. i tend to idealize potential partners in this totally out-of-control way. i've gained enough confidence that i can get a relationship started with them, but they usually break up with me soon thereafter. i usually go for super-extroverts, who realize after getting to know me that i'm too introverted to fit in with their lifestyle, which is something i knew all along...i just desperately wanted to fit in and be a part of their life.

First of all, welcome Clouds, and that's a very nice first post.

I haven't written in this yet, though I keep intending to... because there is just too much to say. When I try to condense my thoughts, I seem to miss out on lots of important things.

However, Clouds' post was a bit of a catalyst for me.



Yes, that is it exactly. I shun 'empty' obligatory social interaction (eg. family visits when it's socially dictated but the people don't really like each other much... I'm thinking of my more distant relatives here) but love hanging out with friends I do like.

Without enough social interaction, I quickly turn into a numb mute and eventually it results in my extreme emotional upheaval... and that's when I make my most heartfelt posts. I realise those sorts of posts are deeper than my usual ones, but to be in that state means I am also experiencing great emotional pain. Hence the need for other people to brighten me up a bit and stop me from sinking too low.

I hermited myself for the beginning of my late twenties (that would be around the age of 27) and it was a horrendous, bleak period of my life.

xphia was, and continues to be, instrumental in pulling me out of my funks.



It's just the idea of living with something alive and moving, even if you don't necessarily have a conversation with the living being. I was happier when my cat moved in with me.



Do the friends naturally come to you when they have a crisis?
It's relatively easy to join the groups of people who like to have fun... they're easygoing in the sense that they will also be easygoing about you being around them. Sometimes it helps to get just one of them to be your advocate, as that person will invite you to all the outings. I can get into the groups by presenting myself as very sweet, wide-eyed and clueless and they fall over to help me and 'fix me up' to be cool like them. The only problem with such friends (for this INFx anyway) is that just as they will accept you easily, they will let you go easily, and that can be hurtful for an NF who desires deep relationships. So it's good to have a balance of both sorts of friends, provided that the crisis-bearing friends aren't draining you too much, of course.

My issue is lack of people I can call 'best friends' whom I can have a closer relationship with. There's like a wide gulf between the friendly, superficial interaction zone and the close friends zone, where people share what they really think and feel. I'm not sure how to cross it.

One of my 'aha' flashes has come in the form that I seem to befriend xSFJs most easily... because I know the rules that Fe and Si live by, and hence can easily click with them. And xSFJs are just lovely and warm in general, but I'm biased due to my ISFJ mum.

Aside from all this...
My twenties was when:
- I became a Christian, became hopelessly jaded as a Christian, and have been rebuilding ever since (true to NF form, I lean more towards the spiritual aspects of Christianity than the religious aspects)
- I realised I was turning into a doormat and letting people walk all over me in the name of some overly rigid and unreasonably high moral standards I held for myself (and also, though I hated to admit it, for others)
- I discovered what I would put up with, and what I would not put up with, when it comes to friends and family... basically discovering my worth as a person and that some people, much as it goes against my idealism to say it, are not worth the time and energy
- I found out that I was a pretty good performer and was comfortable and engaging at public speaking, provided I was talking about something impersonal
- I finally got into an adult relationship, without relying on puppy love
- I learned that I need to speak up for myself, because nobody else will
- I discovered my love for ISxPs. The best part about my former job was that I got to hang out with all these fantastic craftspeople in the workshop. They are so lovely to hang around with... no need to have social chit-chat, just some good honest company.
- I discovered inspiring clothes, shoes and accessories after two decades spent in the Australian fashion wilderness

Reading these posts definitely strikes a chord with me. I'm in my (horror!) late twenties - 28 in a couple of months—so very conscious of time marching on! It’s been ten years since I left school—the reunion is next week-end—so I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on what I’ve achieved (or not) over the last decade, and how my life has changed.

On the whole, my twenties have been a very unstable time, and my character and confidence have changed a lot, often dramatically.

At school, I was cheerfully eccentric, the school madman / holy fool (which rather horrified my practical, hard-headed brother). I was self-conscious then, but in a positive way; I thought of myself almost as the hero of the drama of my life. In a way, it was easy; people expected me to be rather odd, and so I was allowed to be myself. (Cross country run? Much better to walk very slowly, talking at the top of my voice about the weather, and pausing to admire the beauties of nature. My English teacher blenched somewhat, though, when a dramatic dialogue between two critics discussing the poetry of John Donne ended up involving the ghosts of Conan Doyle and T.S. Eliot coming through at a séance, and with lengthy passages in phonetically-rendered Doric dialect. And of course Xerxes’s “Tear your beards” in Aeschylus's Persians should be sung to the tune of Knees Up, Mother Brown!)

University was something of a disaster. Whereas school had given me a structure to define myself against, university was overwhelming and impersonal. There were hundreds of people, but very little opportunity to get to know them—only twelve contact hours a week (for a full-time student!). I socialised with acquaintances a few times in my last year, but didn't really make any friends. I also suffered anxiety attacks for much of the first three years, and my physical health suffered - I ended up with candidiasis and various allergies. I withdrew into my shell, and became painfully self-conscious and shy.

I’ve been able to recover some self-confidence, largely through activities that I enjoyed (teaching English to a Sudanese refugee; being a tour guide at the Australian War Memorial; acting) or working in ‘team environments’, all of which involved being with other people. However, I’ve drifted through life since leaving school, without any real goals or idea of where I’m heading.

I’d thought of becoming an academic; even though I hadn’t enjoyed uni, I’d done very well academically. I moved up to Sydney at the start of last year to begin an M.Phil. in English, and soon realised that this wasn’t the right thing for me to do. Apart from being isolated (I lived by myself in university lodgings, before moving back to my parents’ place) and not working, I was very frustrated by the theory and politicking. No such thing as an author? Reality is a simulacrum? Everything is culturally constructed? Reveal the power relations! This definitely wasn’t how I wanted to spend the next few decades.

So where am I now? Well, I’m much better at dealing with people than I was a few years ago, and I understand myself better. On the other hand, I’m unemployed, broke (the scholarship is a gentlemanly dole), and directionless. I certainly don’t want to be tied down to a boring desk job, a cog in a machine, working for a pay-check. Definitely not academe (although I’ve sometimes wondered whether I would feel differently if I’d done History instead of English). Possibly teaching. I know that I can teach (or tutor), that I can address a large group, but on the other hand I feel awkward and uncomfortable around young people. On the whole, I’ve had a lot of experience, both good and bad, but I’m still back where I was when I left school, asking what do I do now?

Well, not everyone who needs a tutor is a "young person". How about teaching English to the newly immigrated? Or maybe even teaching English overseas to the yet-to-be immigrated, if the thought of upping sticks for foreign climes sounds acceptable?

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What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet. - Gerard Manley Hopkins

Thanks for the suggestion! Teaching overseas definitely sounds intriguing; it would be a good way of seeing the world - staying somewhere long enough to soak up the atmosphere and get to know the place, while doing something worthwhile. I have fluent French, have managed to absorb Italian, and have some German. I know that English teachers are in high demand in China. Hmm! This definitely bears looking into!

I feel it somewhat inappropriate to respond to this thread, seeing as I'm not yet 22, but the powerful emotional intensity I would feel in my teenage years isn't quite there anymore. There is some intensity but there's much more serenity than there used to be. There's more of a sense of optimism about the future but it's not focused on any specific future events. It's more of a sense that the future in general will be better. I'm not sure what caused this. Unfortunately some habits I haven't grown out of yet, even though I swore I would do so. I have improved on them, however.



Nurse, prepare to exploit the patient.

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"It is a melancholy fact that massive works of the intellect do not spring from the abstract workings of the brain and the imagination; they are deeply rooted in the personality." -Paul Johnson

INFP, 4w5 sx/sp

I also became more aware of my need to interact with people. Filling that needs leaves me happier. I'm still very much an introvert, but I'm more careful to not indulge my tendency to withdraw into my shell & spend time alone too much. I don't find that people threaten my independence & identity so much anymore. I used to feel I had to pull back to be true to what I wanted/who I was, but now I know I don't have to.

I'm more emotionally stable than in my teens, which oddly has brought out a slightly warmer side. I'm still not the mushy gushy type, but I'm not so closed off & stone-like on the surface. Strangely enough, I probably seem more emotionally expressive now, when I actually feel more calm. I just know how to express myself now, although I am still not a generally demonstrative person. I'm also more empathetic & compassionate, whereas I used to be disinterested in people. I'm less self-absorbed. I make an effort to understand people, instead of bemoaning how I am misunderstood.

At 25, I thought my life was on track. Had a decent job, an apartment I loved, and was dating casually. However, I really did not like the job, felt creatively unfulfilled, and my relationships were all shallow & faltering at that. Now I am 27, unemployed, living with my parents, broke, but have re-prioritized again. I'm in a serious relationship with a good guy & focusing on finding work that allows me to live my life how I want, as opposed to make money to get stuff I want. I've decided a job cannot define me, so it's not my focus. When I entered college, I put too much stock into the idea of a "career".

So basically, I see myself becoming more clear & comfortable with pursuing my values (what's important to me personally), and less influenced by what others value, where I "should" be in life right now. Because I am clearer on what I want, that gap bothers me less. I remain open to different ways to be happy, instead of being convinced on some singular, narrow vision.

On the other hand, I do feel like I am back at square one! I seem to go through this cycle of re-evaluating my life, mini-identity crises, stepping backwards in terms of literal goals as I grow emotionally, etc. I've realized there is no happy ending; you never reach the ideal. Life is really cyclical, and you redefine what things mean as you learn more about life during these cycles. It's like, the same core things are important to me, I've just realized they mean something different in reality than what I thought, and everytime I think I am close to defining it perfectly, then it collapses & starts over. That sounds really frustrating - it is!!!!

Spoken like a true E4!

It sounds as if you're living the life of a phoenix, and constantly rising from the ashes.

Thank you for the post "OrangeAppled". i can really relate and appreciate the wisdom expressed so genuinely.

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"...he must bring forth values which are an equivalent substitute for his absence in the collective personal sphere. Without this production of values individuation is immoral and, more than that, suicidal..." Jung

I strongly relate to these parts of your post in particular. I'm still 22, 23 in a month, actually, perish the thought. But I've had something of a realisation lately. Each stage of life and of your own level of maturity comes with it a unique set of challenges to be overcome. I'm still the same person I used to be, but you can't just look at a person in isolation - all the experiences I have had, both positive and negative, and all the growth I have sustained both spiritual and biological in nature are as much a part of me as anything else, and your circumstances are bound to be different at different points in time. It's odd, because the thought of constant flux sometimes fills me with unease, as I feel unsure and insecure, like I will never have everything 'figured out'. But you know, I don't think I want to have everything figured out, because then life would be dull and predictable. I am slowly learning to release myself from expectations of what I should be or should have or should know or should be doing, and simply to enjoy my life for what it is. The truth is I don't know what the future holds, but I alone can influence the outcome.

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We are beyond our own ability to define ourselves - we can only describe what we think we are.

in college on the five year plan and the year after, i changed completely. i had a revelation and dropped the business track for the english department. i ran away from home, entered the counterculture, sought knowledge and the cutting edge of the arts, learned about fashion, and rode a racing motorcycle. i became cool. at raves i danced in front of the speakers or the dj, drinking down the bass and worshipping the bringer of song. i went through a really dark period. i was arrogant and so close to committing suicide. i made my body strong going running all the time and lifting weights. fate brought me people i needed to meet. i met the girl who i probably should have married. she was the best match out of all my girlfriends since. c'est la vie.

afterwards i settled down a bit. i got a job with advancement opportunities, paid off some bills, blew lots of money on bullshit i didn't need, got out of that, and made mistakes with girls but also extricated myself from a bad idea. i socialized a lot, tried different groups of people. that was good for me.

my twenties were a whole 'nother lifetime ago. i should've moved to nyc then but i was afraid.