I think the closest I came to having a best friend was back in between years 1 and 3, when my best friend was a girl called Trysha. We had a lovely, close, uncomplicated friendship. She moved away to Melbourne and though we were pen friends for a while, lost contact.

After that, I've hung around in smallish groups of 'best friends', but since the end of high school, really good female friends have been few and far between. I mean friends that you can bare your dirty laundry to, and they can do the same with you... and that you just enjoy hanging out with in general. Instead I seem to keep running into people who either will take my heart outpourings but not want to share in return, or share everything about themselves but not really care when I have a problem.

But sometimes I miss having a best girlfriend... for my wedding, I chose my sister as my bridesmaid, but as she lives in a different state and is busy with her family, I essentially had no support from other women. And it was a really tough time, due to unforseen circumstances.

So I'm wondering if lack of having best friends is an NF thing, an introvert thing, an adulthood thing, an asian thing or whether I should just keep searching? It doesn't have to be crazily deep or special, but just someone I know I can call in times of trouble, and they can do the same with me. Does anybody relate?

I think this is an excellent question.

I have had guys I would consider a best friend, in the sense that I feel you have described, over the years, although sometimes I would question whether or not they were really best friends.

I think I've had maybe three "best friends" over the years who are people I would consider friends that I would tell all my shit to. But in retrospect I think, really, they weren't necessarily best friends, but what passed for best friends at that time in my life.

The first, (his name was Priya although apparently this is actually a girl's name in his cultue, heheh, but that's what he went by) is a guy who I went through school with from kindergarten to the end of high-school. We went to different universities but kept in touch. Eventually he moved to Europe and I moved to the U.S. We've connected on Facebook, but we haven't really communicated much in, well, a long time. He was probably my 'truest' best friend, although he isn't the best friend I've shared the strongest attachment to. I'd explain that further, but I'm tired.

The second is a guy, Peter, who went to the same grade/high-school with me, but was a year younger. We didn't connect until we were around 12/11 yrs. old, when we played hockey on the same team, and his dad was the coach. His dad arranged for us to have a sleepover together, and we became best friends afterwards. My friendship with him was the strongest of any I have had. We were best friends through high-school, and kept in close touch although we went to different Universities. I invited him to be the best man at my wedding (he had to decline, as I was married in Hawaii - that's right, sweet!! - and he couldn't make it) and I was the best man at his wedding. We had so many great adventures over the years; so many great memories. We are still in touch, but I feel like we are such different people now, into different things, that I don't consider him very close any longer. I've probably shared the most with him, overall, over the years.

The third guy was a guy I went to high-school with, and we went to the same University. We didn't become friends until Uni, but we hit it off quick and strong. We discovered we had a lot of things in common like drinking excessively, interest in music, hanging out in bars/clubs and basically slacking off as much as we could. Unfortunately we fed into each other's dark side. Admitedly it was a fun ride, but probably not the most productive or "good" time of my life. I think the thing about this friendship was that we became very close very quickly, and we felt comfortable sharing things with each other. I know I shared things with him that I haven't shared with anyone else. I have to say that was probably the strangest time in my life. I kinda regret it now, but at the same time I don't think I would exchange those experiences for any others.

There was also a group of best friends I had for a year after I graduated from Uni, and was taking a course in museum studies. Four of us - 2 guys, 2 gals - bondend very closely and spent most of that year together. That was my best year; my favorite. If I could pick one year to live over again, that would probably be it. I dont know that they, individually, were best friends, but as a group, that was my best best-friend group ever.

Since then I haven't really had someone I would consider a best friend. Since being in school, I'd say most of my closest friends have been women (in the purely platonic sense). I have met some guys recently who are becomming close friends, but I am very cautious lately. I've been very reluctant to form friendships for years now, so it's slow progress, but I'm good with that.

With the exception of a couple of T-women, I seem to get along better with men (though not necessarily as best friends). It seems less complicated. They are more straightforward in my experience. But it's possibly because most of my friends are from church, and church-going xSFxs can be so wound up in presenting the correct image that it's virtually impossible to crack the image and get to the person beneath. That's the bit I'm interested in, the flawed self, which I think is interesting and beautiful... I remember complaining about this to xphia even before we began dating, so it's been a long time issue.

I'm beginning to wonder if it is an adulthood thing, and that best friends are usually more coincidences of circumstance (being thrown together in proximity and in a similar situation for a length of time--that's why we generally have best friends in school or uni). Nowadays with so many opportunities after school, it's rare to find someone who's had a similar-enough path to really relate to.

But that is one type of best friend... there is the other type who will always be your very good friend even if you lead completely different lives. I think I'd like more of the latter. Yes, and best friend groups are fantastic too.


Is there a reason? Not enough time, etc?

Also, getting married in Hawaii is definitely something to fist pump about! Thanks for your response.

FWIW I think the only time I've been without someone I'd consider a best friend was for a couple of years when I was about 13/14 (a lonely time for me for a number of reasons), otherwise I've always manged to latch onto someone or other. The latest is the longest lasting, met him when we were about 15 and we've been besties ever since - I'd say that, on average, the rest usually lasted about 3 years apiece before we'd drift apart.

_________________
What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet. - Gerard Manley Hopkins

Alchemiss, actually, that was something I hadn't considered. In some ways, my mother (ISFJ) is my best friend.

There are few things more beautiful than the wisdom of our elders, and I always reflexively kick back against our crazy youth-oriented culture because we lose so much in discounting older people. Which is not to say that younger people cannot be wise.



Maybe I am missing the wood for the trees. There isn't need for a specific best friend when there is enough support all around. And it's very true, I feel more comfortable spilling with ladies who are older than me by at least 20 years, than to my peers sometimes. It's odd.



Hmm, this works as a 'best friend gainage' method too.

I think it's more personal than you might think. You are your own best friend - because you are capable of viewing your own problems through different cognitive lenses. You have a multi-faceted mind and are more likely to be a number of people's best friend rather than you having several best friends yourself. Also, you have an intense mind - you are able to think more profoundly about certain situations and resolve them internally - and not many people will be able to penetrate the situation as well as you do. I suspect it will be difficult for you to find someone who can process things at your wavelength because for starters, your intuition is ambiverted.

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The part about "are more likely to be a number of people's best friend rather than you having several best friends yourself" is accurate. So many people have called me their close friend, their good friend, their best friend, while knowing almost nothing about me. Internally, I can feel myself pulling back in repulsion.

But what you said about resolving situations internally is probably the key.. I rarely disclose the extent of my feelings and problems to others in my circle. I guess that sort of behaviour cuts me off from others. Yet the times I do even touch on the turmoil inside, I am told I am too intense or they do not understand what I am saying... but I am beginning to see that I may need to learn to communicate better, and work harder to be understood.

Your post is full of aha moments. Thank you, both for your insight, and for seeing me in such a way. I think my self-esteem has gone up a notch or two.

I could have written this about myself sciski

It's nice not to be alone.

This site is creeping me out....seriously.

Wait until you meet the INFPverse ghost!

I too agree about having more people considering you a best friend than actually having people you consider to be.

I had a best friend in elementary school. In fact he was my only friend until about 6th or 7th grade. His name was Steven and we were practically eachother's only friends for years. We were the two kids who were made fun of in elementary school, kids called us things like "gay" because the day we met in first grade Steven picked me up and I rode around on his shoulders. We both played pretend games everyday at lunch and recess where we would both play hero, and we would make up our own fictional stories that we wrote ourselves. Well we usually took aspects from videogames or tv shows we liked and gave them our own spin. We were pretty inseparable and could do anything at all together. Then we fell in with a group in 6th or 7th grade or so, and it wasn't just me and steven anymore it was the entire group. The cool thing about that group is that we've all stuck together more or less since. Also everyone of us are introverts, which I always liked. Steven is still my friend today, but for some reason we've stopped talking. Hes become reclusive and incredibly seclusive. I've known him for 13 years or so and I haven't realized til lately that he hasn't really opened up to me at all. Our friends also say they've never had him open up to them before either. I've tried putting a bit of myself out there so maybe he would return in kind, but it very rarely works. We haven't really talked much about internal stuff, you know the kind of things an INFP would like to talk about, so I don't really consider him my best best of bestest friends like I used to.

Also in middle school there was a two year period where I was good friends with another boy named John, who I could do practically anything with. I remember once he told me that I was his best friend, and I remember feeling that sense of repulsion you mentioned, sciski.

I have other friends who I consider confidants, who I can tell pretty much anything, and they know they can do it back to me. I have four of them. Not counting my girlfriend because thats a whole other kettle of fish. All of them I know I can talk to things about, but I can't hang out with them and do absolutely anything with. I think its safe to say that 3/4 of them consider me their best friend. With the exception of one, but it was only thanks to a certain... something. I'm not sure if I'm aloud to say on the board lol.

The strange thing I've noticed about my friends lately is that they're pretty much all girls. With the exception of one. I feel like I get along with girls better, even in generic social situations. All my co workers are girls too, so I'm around them even more.

I think its just in our nature to have that sort of talent of becoming people's best friend, rather than actually getting any ourselves. We can feel on a level that a lot of people want to be around, and it comes with a genuine interest in helping them and listening. Unfortunately there aren't a lot of people who feel on the level that we want, so we surround ourselves with a smaller circle of confidant friends. Or maybe its possible that our ideal best friend just doesn't line up with reality.